A little encouragement from a mom who has had 25 years to wonder the same thing.

Rock Stars, can I tell you something from the other side of a lot of sleepless nights, school projects, doctor’s appointments, report cards, soccer games, arguments, courtrooms, carpools and moments when I was absolutely certain I was doing this parenting thing wrong?  You are probably doing better than you think.  Not perfectly.  I didn’t say perfectly. 😂

There were days I yelled when I should have listened.  Days I worried about things that turned out not to matter.  Days I probably rescued when I should have let them struggle.  And I’m sure there were other days when I let them struggle and what they really needed was Mom.  I’ve parented a child who struggled in school.  I’ve parented a gifted child on the spectrum.  I’ve helped build a blended family.  I’ve raised little kids, teenagers and now watched children become adults.  And after all of it, here’s something I wish someone had told younger Karen:  One bad parenting day does not make you a bad parent.

We Judge Ourselves One Day at a Time

I think this is one of the cruel tricks of motherhood.  We experience parenting today.  Today I lost my patience.  Today my child bombed the test.  Today we had an argument.  Today the teacher emailed.  Today my teenager made a terrible decision.  Today I served cereal for dinner because I had absolutely nothing left.  Today everyone else’s family on social media appears to be thriving while mine looks like a small traveling circus that has lost its ringmaster.

And because we’re standing in the middle of today, today can feel enormous.  But children aren’t raised in one day.  They’re raised over thousands of days.  Thousands.  Some will be wonderful.  Some will be ordinary.  Some will involve beautiful family memories.  Some will involve everyone going to bed early because that’s the safest option for all concerned. 😂  Parenting isn’t one test.  It’s a very long semester.  And Rock Stars, the final report card isn’t in yet.

Your Kids Probably Won’t Remember What You Think They’ll Remember

There are parenting moments I can still replay in my head.  Things I said wrong.  Times I was too impatient.  Decisions I questioned afterward.  Mom guilt has an incredible filing system.  It can locate something you did wrong in 2007 faster than Technology Man can find a file on his computer.  And that’s saying something.  But here’s what’s interesting.  Sometimes our kids remember completely different things.  The vacation you spent weeks planning?  They remember the gas station where Dad bought them the ridiculous candy.  The elaborate birthday party?  They remember everybody laughing when something went wrong.

The perfect Christmas?  They remember sitting on the floor together.  And some ordinary Tuesday afternoon that barely registered with you may become one of their favorite childhood memories.  That’s humbling.  It’s also comforting.  Because maybe childhood isn’t built primarily from our spectacular parenting moments.  Maybe it’s built from presence repeated over time.

I Used to Think Good Moms Had Answers

I was a teacher before I became a Mom.  I had a bachelor’s degree.  A master’s degree.  Teaching experience.  Child-development knowledge.  I had spent years around children.  Surely I was prepared.  Then God gave me actual children.  Apparently none of them had read my textbooks. 😂  One struggled academically and had dyslexia.  Another had an extraordinary memory, was gifted and on the autism spectrum.  Another came along with completely different interests and a personality all his own.  And the blended-family part?

I’m fairly certain that chapter wasn’t covered in any of my college classes.  I eventually discovered something that should have been obvious:  Children are people.  Individual, complicated, constantly changing people.  Which means there isn’t one parenting formula that works every time.

Sometimes the Best Thing You Can Say Is “I’m Sorry”

This one took me a while.  Parents sometimes feel like apologizing weakens our authority.  I think the opposite may be true.  Our children need to see adults make mistakes and take responsibility for them.  “I shouldn’t have yelled.”  “I wasn’t listening.”  “I assumed something that wasn’t true.”  “I handled that badly.”  “I’m sorry.”  That doesn’t erase your authority.  It models something your child is eventually going to need in marriage, friendships, work and parenting children of their own:  humility.

Your children don’t need evidence that Mom never makes mistakes.  They’re living with you.  That ship sailed years ago. 😂  They need evidence that mistakes can be acknowledged, forgiven and repaired.

You Cannot Control the Ending

This may be one of the hardest truths of parenting.  We desperately want a formula.  Do these ten things and your child will turn out wonderfully.  Take them to church.  Read to them.  Eat dinner together.  Set boundaries.  Help with homework.  Monitor technology.  Teach responsibility.  Pray.  Love them.  Do everything right and—  Then life reminds us:  Our children have free will.

Eventually they make their own decisions.  That’s actually the goal.  We aren’t supposed to control them forever.  We’re supposed to prepare them to live without us controlling them.  Which means good parents can raise children who make bad decisions.  Wonderful kids can go through terrible seasons.  Children from loving homes can struggle.  And children who had incredibly difficult childhoods can grow into remarkable adults.  Parenting matters tremendously.  But parenting isn’t puppeteering.  At some point, their story becomes theirs.

Grace Is for Moms Too

Christians talk a lot about grace.  We believe we’re saved by grace.  We teach our children about grace.  We tell other people that God’s grace is bigger than their failures.  And then moms somehow decide:  Except for me. I should have gotten everything right.

That’s ridiculous when you actually say it out loud.  We need grace too.  Not an excuse to stop trying.  Grace doesn’t mean, “Oh well, I yelled at everybody again. Pass the cookies.”  It means our mistakes don’t have to become our identity.  We can recognize them.  Ask forgiveness.  Learn.  Change.  And begin again.  Tomorrow morning still counts.

That’s Why This Song Hit Me

I went looking for a song for this post, and I kept coming back to Tauren Wells’ “Known.”

There’s a beautiful idea running through the song: God sees the mess inside us and still calls us toward Him; we can begin again. Wells describes being fully known and loved, connecting truth with grace rather than pretending our failures aren’t there.  That’s motherhood.  Or at least that’s motherhood as I’ve experienced it.  I don’t need God to believe I parented perfectly.  He already knows I didn’t.  I need the grace to say:  I got that wrong. Help me do better tomorrow.  And maybe that’s something our children need to learn from us too.  Not perfection.  Grace and growth.

Take a few minutes and listen.

The Ordinary Days Count More Than You Think

If you’re currently in the little-kid years, I know it doesn’t feel like they’ll end.  Someone needs something every six minutes.  There’s laundry everywhere.  You can’t remember the last time you finished a sentence without being interrupted.  Then come the school years.  Homework.  Activities.  Friends.  Teachers.  Grades.  Sports.  Schedules.  Then teenagers arrive.  Lord, help us all. 😂

And suddenly you’re worrying about driving, dating, college, jobs and whether this person who cannot remember to put a plate in the dishwasher is somehow almost legally an adult.  Then one day…  They are.  One gets married.  One goes to work.  One begins pursuing ministry.  The youngest reaches his senior year.  And the Mom who spent decades wondering whether she was doing enough suddenly finds herself wondering:  Was all of that really 25 years?

It was.  And I can tell you from here:  The ordinary days mattered.

To the Mom Who Thinks She’s Messing Everything Up

Maybe today wasn’t your best day.  Maybe this hasn’t been your best month.  Maybe one of your children is struggling.  Maybe you’re questioning a decision.  Maybe you saw another mom who appears to have everything figured out.  She doesn’t.  Trust me.  Maybe you’re lying in bed replaying something you said and wishing you could have another chance.  Good news.  Tomorrow is another chance.  Your child doesn’t need a mother who gets every decision right.  They need one who loves them enough to keep showing up.

Apologize when you’re wrong.  Listen when you want to lecture.  Hold the boundary when holding it is hard.  Let them struggle when the struggle is safe.  Help when they truly need help.  Pray when you don’t know which one you’re supposed to do.  Laugh.  Give yourself some grace.  Occasionally hide somewhere and eat the cookies you told the children were gone. 😂

Then get back in there.  Because, Rock Star—  the final report card isn’t in yet.  Not theirs.  And not yours. ❤️  — Karen