Some days I felt like a pretty good mom.  Everyone got where they needed to go. Dinner happened. Homework got finished. Nobody was crying. I remembered the permission slip. I even knew where everyone’s shoes were.  

Those were good days.  Then there were the other days.  The days when I wondered if I had handled anything correctly.  I was too impatient.  I worried too much.  I said something I wished I could take back.  One child was struggling at school. Another child needed something completely different. Somebody was unhappy with me.  The house was a mess.  Dinner was questionable.

And somewhere in the middle of it all, I would start doing what moms are exceptionally good at doing:  Keeping score of everything I thought I was doing wrong.  If you’re having one of those days, Rock Star, here’s today’s encouragement from the edge:  You don’t have to fix your entire family today.  You just need enough grace for today.

I Thought Good Moms Had Answers

When my children were little, I think I assumed experienced moms eventually reached a point where they knew what they were doing.  Surely after enough years, you figure this parenting thing out.  Then I raised three children.  Caitlyn needed one kind of mom.  Zachary needed another. Daniel came along and apparently hadn’t read either of their instruction manuals.  So much for experience. 😂

Every stage brought something new.  You finally get comfortable parenting a toddler and suddenly you’re dealing with elementary school.  You figure out elementary school and puberty arrives.  You survive teenagers and discover that parenting adult children requires an entirely different skill:  Keeping your mouth shut.  I’m still practicing that one.

Sometimes We Confuse Worry With Parenting

Moms worry because we love our children.  Are they doing okay in school?  Do they have good friends?  Are they making good choices?  Are we pushing too hard?  Are we not pushing enough?  Should we help?  Should we let them struggle?  Did we miss something?  And once they’re adults, the worrying doesn’t magically disappear.  The problems just become more expensive.

There comes a point when we have to recognize that worrying about our children and parenting our children are not the same thing.  Worry feels productive because our brain is busy.  But worrying at 2:00 in the morning has yet to solve one of my children’s problems.  I’ve conducted extensive research on this. 😂

Grace Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

When I talk about giving ourselves grace, I don’t mean that nothing matters.  Our words matter.  Our decisions matter.  Our example matters.  When we mess up, we should apologize.  When something needs correcting, we should correct it.  When our children need us, we should show up.  Grace isn’t an excuse to stop trying.  Grace is accepting that God never required us to parent perfectly.

That is an impossible standard we created for ourselves.  Our children don’t need a perfect mother.  They need a mother who loves them.  A mother who listens.  A mother willing to admit when she’s wrong.  A mother who keeps learning.  A mother who prays.  A mother who gets up tomorrow and tries again.

Some Things Aren’t Ours to Control

This may be one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned.  Eventually our children make choices we don’t make for them.  They choose friends.  They choose careers.  They choose relationships.  They decide how hard they’re going to work.  They make financial decisions.  They make spiritual decisions.  They make mistakes.

When they’re young, our job includes protecting, teaching and directing them.  But little by little, we’re supposed to hand the controls over.  Technology Man would probably explain this using some complicated computer analogy.  I’d simply say:  At some point, they’re going to have to click the buttons themselves.  And sometimes they’ll click the wrong one. 

We can advise.  We can encourage.  We can pray.  We can love.  But we cannot live somebody else’s life for them—even when that somebody used to need us to tie their shoes.

Tomorrow Gets Its Own Grace

One of the things I love about faith is the reminder that I don’t have to carry tomorrow today.  Matthew 6:34 tells us not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will have worries of its own.  I need that reminder.  Frequently.  Because mothers can mentally parent approximately seventeen years into the future.

A child struggles with one class and suddenly we’re wondering whether they’ll ever graduate college, find a career or be able to support themselves.  Slow down, Mom.  Today has enough going on.  Maybe today’s job is simply:  Pray.  Listen.  Encourage.  Correct something that needs correcting.  Apologize if you need to.  Give a hug.  Make dinner.  Go to bed.  And trust God with the parts you cannot control.

Your Children Need the Real You

Looking back over more than two decades of parenting, I can tell you with certainty that I did not do everything right.  Not even close.  There are decisions I would change.  Moments I would handle differently.  Things I worried about that didn’t matter.  Things I probably should have worried about more.  Welcome to parenting.

But I also know something else.  My children were loved.  Deeply.  Imperfectly.  Consistently.  And maybe that’s something another mom needs to hear today.  Your children don’t need the imaginary mother you think everybody else has.  You know her.  She’s patient all the time.  Her children eat vegetables voluntarily.  Nobody argues in her house.  She has a color-coded family calendar.  Her laundry is folded the same day it comes out of the dryer.  I don’t know this woman.

I’m beginning to suspect she doesn’t exist.  Your kids need you.  Not perfect you.  Today’s you.

So Start Again Today

If yesterday wasn’t your finest parenting performance, welcome to the club.  Apologize if you need to.  Learn something.  Pray about it.  Then let yesterday stay yesterday.  Today you get another opportunity.  Another conversation.  Another hug.  Another dinner table.  Another car ride.  Another chance to listen.  Another chance to encourage.

Another chance to love the people God entrusted to you.  You don’t have to have the next ten years figured out.  You don’t even have to have next Tuesday figured out.  Just choose grace again today.  For your children.  For the people around you.  And maybe especially…  for yourself.  You’ve got this, Rock Star.  Not because you’re going to do everything perfectly.  But because tomorrow morning, you’ll get up and love them again.  And some days, that’s pretty heroic.  — Karen ❤️