Spoiler alert: I still don’t know. For 25 years, I was a stay-at-home mom.
When we made that decision all those years ago, I believed pretty strongly that having a parent at home would make a difference for our children. I thought being there after school, attending events, helping with homework, making meals, driving everyone everywhere, and simply being available would give our kids something important.
Now, 25 years later, I should finally be able to tell you whether I was right. I can’t. How’s that for an inspirational parenting blog? The truth is, after raising kids for this long, I’ve discovered that parenting rarely gives us nice, clean answers.
I Know It Made a Difference for Caitlyn
We are a blended family. When I came into my stepdaughter Caitlyn’s life, there had already been a lot of change. Eventually, we became her custodial parents, and this is one place where I feel confident that staying home made a difference. Caitlyn needed stability.
Being a stay-at-home mom meant there was someone home after school. Someone available for school activities, appointments, conversations, problems, and all those ordinary moments that don’t seem very important at the time.
Looking back, I believe being home was exactly what our family needed during that chapter of our lives. And maybe that’s the first lesson I’ve learned. Sometimes the right decision isn’t about whether staying home or working is universally better. Sometimes it’s simply about what your family needs right now.
Then There’s Technology Man
Longtime Super Parent Mom readers may remember my husband as Technology Man. His childhood was very different. Technology Man also grew up in a blended family, but he was a latchkey kid. He didn’t have a stay-at-home parent waiting for him when he came home from school. And somehow he turned out okay. Well…mostly. 😄
He started college, built a business, raised a family, became involved in our community, and now serves on our local school board. So if having a stay-at-home parent is the secret ingredient to producing successful adults, somebody forgot to tell Technology Man.
We’ve Watched a Lot of Kids Grow Up
Technology Man’s service on HEB ISD school board has given us an interesting perspective. We’ve watched a lot of kids walk across that graduation stage. Some of these young people are absolutely amazing. They’re graduating from high school already knowing exactly what they want to do with their lives.
And they come from all kinds of homes. Some have a stay-at-home parent. Some have two working parents. Some come from blended families. Some are being raised by a single parent. And I haven’t seen some magical dividing line where the kids with stay-at-home parents automatically turn out better. That has caused me to rethink some things I believed 25 years ago.
Are Our Kids Better Off Because I Stayed Home?
I don’t know. I feel like they are. I know they had consistency. I know I was available. I know I had thousands of conversations with them that might not have happened otherwise. There were school events, sick days, appointments, practices, meals, problems, victories and thousands of completely ordinary afternoons when Mom was simply there.
I wouldn’t trade those moments. But did staying home make our children more successful? Will it make them better husbands and wives? Better parents? Stronger in their faith? More responsible adults? Will they go out and change the world?
Well… Not yet. They’re still figuring out their own lives. And that’s okay.
Would I Stay Home Again?
Here’s where my answer today might surprise the younger version of me. Probably not. If I could go back 25 years knowing everything I know now, I think I would probably work. Not because I regret staying home. I don’t. We did fine. Technology Man worked hard, built his business, and supported our family.
But there’s also a financial reality that I understand much better today. One income versus two incomes for 25 years makes a difference. A second income could have meant more savings, more retirement money, more financial breathing room, and perhaps opportunities for our family that we didn’t have.
When you’re young and raising children, retirement feels approximately 700 years away. Then you blink. Apparently, it isn’t. 😂 Would working have created other problems? Of course. There would have been daycare, schedules, sick days, rushed dinners, missed activities, and days when two working parents were trying to figure out who could possibly be in three places at the same time.
There is a cost either way. And that’s something I understand much better now.
Every Choice Gives You Something—and Costs You Something
Maybe that’s the real lesson. Staying home gave me time. Working would have given our family additional income. Staying home allowed me to be available whenever the kids needed me. Working might have allowed us to save more for the years when the kids no longer needed us quite so much.
Neither choice comes without sacrifice. And I’m no longer convinced there is one right answer for every family.
Maybe I Was Asking the Wrong Question
For years, the debate has been: Is it better for Mom to stay home or work? I’m beginning to think that’s the wrong question. Maybe we should be asking: Are we giving our children what they need? Do they know they’re loved? Do they have stability? Do they have boundaries? Do they see us modeling responsibility, faith, kindness, hard work, and service?
Do we know what’s happening in their lives? Do they know they can come to us when they mess up? Are we teaching them how to eventually live without us? Those things can happen with a stay-at-home parent. And they can happen with two working parents. They can also fail to happen in either home.
So, Was It Worth It?
Yes. And maybe. And ask me again later. I know staying home made a difference when Caitlyn needed stability and we became her custodial parents. I believe it benefited all of our children. I’m incredibly grateful for the 25 years I spent at home with them. But if I were starting over today?
I’d probably work. Both things can be true. That’s probably what the younger version of me wouldn’t have understood. Back then, I wanted there to be a right answer. Twenty-five years later, I’ve learned that every parenting choice gives you something, and every parenting choice costs you something.
The verdict is still out on exactly how much my staying home will ultimately matter. Our kids are still writing their stories. Maybe I’ll revisit this post when I’m 75 and finally have the answer. Until then, Rock Stars, whether you’re dropping your children off at daycare on your way to work or waving goodbye from the front porch…
Love those kids. Be there when it matters. Give them stability. Teach them well. And save for retirement. Seriously. 😂 Most importantly, give yourself a little grace when you’re not sure you’ve chosen the perfect path. After 25 years of parenting, I’m beginning to suspect there isn’t one. Ask me again in 25 years. ❤️
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