Yesterday marked 25 years since September 11, 2001. Like so many people, it had me thinking about where we were that day and just how much life has happened since. Technology Man and I ended up pulling out old photo albums. Remember those? Actual photographs. Printed on paper. In albums. Kids, you can ask your parents about them.
We started flipping through pictures from 2001, and suddenly there we were again. Younger. Much younger. Technology Man had fewer gray hairs. I probably had fewer worries. And I had been married for only about two months. Which meant I had also been a stepmom for only about two months. I looked at pictures of Caitlyn as a little girl and then thought about the 28-year-old married woman she is today. Twenty-five years.
How did that happen so fast? And looking through those pictures made me think about something I don’t believe I’ve ever really written about here. I didn’t give birth to Caitlyn. But somewhere along the way… I became her mom.
I Came Into a Story That Had Already Started
Being a stepmom is different. When you bring a baby home from the hospital, you’re all starting together. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Baby doesn’t know. Mom doesn’t know. Dad definitely doesn’t know. Everybody just agrees to be confused together. 😂 But becoming a stepmom means walking into a story that’s already several chapters in.
Caitlyn already had a Mom. She already had a Dad. She already had routines, memories, relationships, expectations and feelings that existed long before I showed up. And then suddenly… here’s Karen! I couldn’t—and shouldn’t—pretend those earlier chapters didn’t exist. I wasn’t there to erase anyone. I wasn’t there to replace anyone. I had to figure out what my place in Caitlyn’s story was going to be. And I don’t think anybody hands you an instruction manual for that.
At First, I Was Just Dad’s New Wife
I think this is something stepparents sometimes put too much pressure on themselves about. We want the family to feel like a family immediately. We got married. We’re a family now! Everybody blend! BLEND, PEOPLE! It doesn’t work that way. 😂
A marriage certificate can create a legal relationship overnight. It can’t create trust overnight. It can’t manufacture memories. It can’t force affection. And it definitely can’t make a child instantly see Dad’s new wife as “Mom.” That part takes time. So in those early months, I was learning Caitlyn while Caitlyn was learning me. And neither of us knew where the story was going.
Two Years Later, Everything Changed
About two years after Technology Man and I married, our family changed dramatically. We became Caitlyn’s custodial parents. Suddenly this wasn’t just about weekends, visits or figuring out my role as a new stepmom. This was everyday life. School mornings. Homework. Dinner. Laundry. Rules. Discipline. Activities. Bedtime. Good days. Bad days. And all those thousands of completely ordinary moments that make up a childhood.
I wrote recently about whether staying home with my children for 25 years was worth it. And I said there is one place where I feel pretty confident about the answer. Caitlyn. I believe being home mattered for her. She needed stability during a complicated time in her childhood, and I was able to be there. Not because I was her biological mother. Not because I was trying to replace her biological mother. But because I was an adult in her life who loved her and kept showing up.
Maybe That’s How You Become a Mom
I wish I could tell you there was one magical moment. There wasn’t. No orchestra played. Nobody handed me a certificate that said: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY MOM. It happened slowly. Lunches. Homework. Doctor visits. School events. Birthdays. Christmases. Arguments. Consequences. Vacations. Driving places. Talking. Worrying. Praying. And probably saying “Have you done your homework?” approximately 47,000 times.
It was ordinary. Maybe that’s the part we sometimes miss about families. The extraordinary relationships are often built through thousands of ordinary days.
Blended Families Aren’t Smoothies
We use the phrase “blended family.” It sounds so nice, doesn’t it? Put everybody into the blender, push a button and 30 seconds later… Perfect family! That’s not how it works. Families aren’t smoothies. Sometimes they don’t blend neatly. There can be divided loyalties. Different rules. Different expectations. Hurt feelings. Confusion about roles.
A stepparent may feel like they’re expected to have all the responsibility of a parent without actually being allowed to parent. A child may feel like accepting a stepparent somehow betrays their biological parent. And the biological parent in the middle can sometimes feel like everyone is pulling on them from opposite directions. Technology Man probably deserves his own article about that one. 😂
But here’s what I’ve learned: You don’t have to force a family to blend. You have to give it time to become a family.
Don’t Try to Replace Someone
This may be one of the most important things I’ve learned. A stepparent doesn’t need to erase another parent to become important. There’s room. Children can love more than one person. They can have complicated feelings about their parents and stepparents at the same time. They can be angry today and loving tomorrow. They can struggle with loyalty. They can need space.
My job wasn’t to convince Caitlyn that I was better than somebody else. My job was much simpler. Love her. Be consistent. Be there. And keep doing it tomorrow.
Sometimes Love Comes Before the Feeling of “Family”
That’s another thing I wish someone had told me. You don’t have to wait until everything feels perfect before you start behaving like a family. Make dinner. Show up at school. Celebrate the birthday. Sit through the concert. Help with the homework. Take the family vacation. Correct them when necessary. Apologize when you’re wrong. Keep your promises. Be there tomorrow. Feelings are important.
But sometimes commitment comes first and feelings catch up later.
Then You Blink
And somehow 25 years pass. Yesterday I was looking at pictures of a little girl. Today Caitlyn is 28. She’s married to Mason. They’re building their own life. And now I’m trying to learn an entirely different parenting skill: How to stop parenting her so much. 😂
I’ve written about how difficult it is to let our adult children struggle. I’ve written about raising adults instead of just raising children. And maybe that’s why looking through those old photographs hit me so hard. Back in September 2001, I had absolutely no idea what was ahead of us. I didn’t know that two years later Caitlyn would be living with us full-time. I didn’t know what kind of relationship we would have. I didn’t know what mistakes I’d make. I didn’t know whether she’d someday think of me as Mom. I just kept showing up.
Twenty-Five Years Later
If I could sit down with that brand-new stepmom from those photographs, I’d probably tell her: Don’t try so hard to figure out what this relationship is supposed to look like. Don’t force it. Don’t compete. Don’t keep score. Don’t expect instant closeness. Don’t panic when things are messy. And don’t underestimate what can happen when you simply love a child consistently for a very long time.
Because one day you’ll pull an old photo album off a shelf. You’ll see that little girl again. And you’ll realize something. She’s not your stepdaughter in the picture. She’s just… your daughter.
To the Stepmom Who’s Struggling Today
Rock Stars, if you’re reading this from somewhere in the middle of a blended-family mess, I can’t promise you how your story will turn out. Some relationships heal. Some remain complicated. Some take much longer than we’d like. And no amount of good parenting gives us complete control over how another person eventually feels. Twenty-five years of parenting has taught me to be very careful about guaranteeing outcomes. The final report card isn’t in yet.
But I can tell you what I would do again. Show up. Love them. Give the relationship time. Don’t try to erase the chapters that came before you. Just help write the next ones. Because families aren’t smoothies. They don’t become perfectly blended in 30 seconds. Sometimes becoming a family takes years. And sometimes, if you’re very blessed, you look back 25 years later and realize… somewhere along the way, you stopped becoming a family. You simply were one. ❤️