When my children were little, I spent an awful lot of time trying to raise good kids.  Say please.  Say thank you.  Clean your room.  Do your homework.  Don’t hit your brother.  Put that back.  No, you cannot have ice cream for breakfast.  And for goodness’ sake, put on some pants.

You know. Parenting.  But now that two of our children are adults and our youngest is a senior in high school, I’ve realized something.  I was never really raising kids.  I was raising adults.

Technology Man Has a Definition

My husband, affectionately known around here as Technology Man, has always had a slightly different way of describing our parenting goal.  According to him, our job is to produce:  “Healthy, wealthy and wise taxpayers who leave home.”  That’s it.  That’s the master parenting plan.  Raise them.  Educate them.  Teach them how to function in society.

And then…  GO. 😂  Obviously, there’s a little more to parenting than producing taxpayers who eventually vacate the premises.  But underneath the joke, I think Technology Man actually has a point.  The goal was never to keep our children little.  The goal was to prepare them to live without us.

That’s Hard to Remember When They’re Seven

When your child is young, parenting success is measured in very small victories.  They remembered their homework.  They didn’t get sent to the principal’s office.  They cleaned their room without being threatened with the loss of every electronic device they own.  They survived an entire restaurant meal without causing an international incident.  Success!

But it’s easy to become so focused on raising a well-behaved child that we forget we’re preparing a future adult.  Someday nobody is going to remind them that their science project is due Friday.  Nobody is going to make their doctor’s appointment.  Nobody is going to wake them up for work.  Nobody is going to tell them they shouldn’t spend $800 when they have $400 in their checking account.  At least, nobody should have to.  That’s where parenting gets interesting.

Sometimes Good Parenting Makes Your Kid Unhappy

This might be one of the hardest lessons.  If my goal is to make my child happy today, I’ll probably make very different decisions than if my goal is to prepare that child for adulthood.  Sometimes you have to say no.  Sometimes they need consequences.  Sometimes they need to spend their own money.  Sometimes they need to talk to the teacher themselves.  Sometimes they need to solve the problem they created.

And sometimes Mom has to resist every instinct she has to swoop in and fix it.  That’s hard.  Because fixing things for our kids feels like love.  But sometimes not fixing it is love, too.

Healthy

Technology Man’s first requirement is healthy.  Obviously, we want our children physically healthy.  But as they’ve gotten older, I’ve realized there’s much more to it.  Can they take care of themselves?  Can they build healthy relationships?  Can they handle disappointment?  Can they recognize when something isn’t good for them?  Can they ask for help?  Can they recover when life doesn’t go according to plan?  Eventually, Mom can’t protect them from every difficult thing.  So maybe our job is to help them become strong enough to face difficult things themselves.

Wealthy

Okay, Technology Man probably wouldn’t object if one of the kids became a billionaire.  I’m sure Christmas would be lovely.  But I don’t think wealthy necessarily means rich.  I want our children to understand money.  Work.  Save.  Give.  Don’t spend everything you make.

Understand that credit cards aren’t free money.  Know the difference between something you need and something you really, really, really want because Amazon can have it on the porch by tomorrow morning.  I want them to be able to support themselves.  Which brings us conveniently to Technology Man’s final requirement:  Leave home.  😂

Wise

This might be the biggest one.  Because eventually our children are going to make decisions we don’t get to make for them.  Careers.  Marriage.  Money.  Faith.  Friends.  Where they live.  How they raise their own children someday.  We can teach.  We can model.  We can advise.  We can pray.

But eventually…  they choose.  That’s the whole point.  If we’ve done our job, they shouldn’t need Mom and Dad to make every decision.  Hopefully, we’ve given them enough wisdom to make good ones.

Then Comes the Hardest Part: Letting Them Go

When they’re babies, they need you for everything.  Then gradually, almost without noticing, your job description changes.  You go from doing everything for them…  to doing things with them…  to watching them do things for themselves.  And eventually, you’re standing on the sidelines.

That’s where I am beginning to find myself.  Caitlyn is married and building her own life.  Zachary is working full-time at a church and studying toward his future in ministry.  And our youngest is a senior in high school, focused on animation and figuring out what comes next.  They’re becoming adults.  Exactly like we wanted them to.  And somehow nobody warned me that getting what you wanted could feel so strange.

The Final Report Card Isn’t In Yet

After 25 years of parenting, I wish I could tell you we’ve figured it out.  We haven’t.  Our kids are still becoming who they’re going to become.  They’re going to make great decisions.  They’re going to make some bad ones.  They’re going to succeed at things.  They’re going to fail at things.  Just like their parents did.

So I’m not ready to hand Technology Man and myself an A+ in Parenting just yet.  The final report card isn’t in.  Maybe it never really comes.

We’re Raising Someone’s Future

But here’s something I wish I’d thought about more when my children were little.  That little boy refusing to put away his toys?  You’re raising someone’s future husband.  That little girl complaining about doing her homework?  You’re raising someone’s future coworker, neighbor, friend, boss, mother, teacher, doctor, business owner—or maybe community leader.  We’re not just raising children. We’re raising the people who will eventually run the world we’re leaving behind.

That’s a pretty big responsibility.  So, Rock Stars, enjoy the little years.  Read the bedtime stories.  Go to the soccer games.  Help with the homework.  Take too many pictures.  Give too many hugs.  But remember what we’re ultimately trying to accomplish.  We’re trying to raise adults who are kind.  Responsible.  Faithful.  Independent.  Capable of making wise decisions.  And hopefully capable of doing their own laundry.  

Or, as Technology Man puts it:  Healthy, wealthy and wise taxpayers…  who leave home.  I’m beginning to think he may have been onto something.  Especially that last part. 😂❤️