Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is let a child struggle. When your children are little, fixing things is practically your full-time job. They’re hungry? Feed them. They fall? Pick them up. They lose something? Help them find it. They have a problem? Mom to the rescue. Then something strange happens.
They grow up. And nobody turns off the part of your brain that still screams: FIX IT! I’m discovering that sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn’t knowing how to help your children. It’s knowing when not to.
We’re Raising Adults, Remember?
In my last post, I wrote about something Technology Man has said for years. Our goal as parents is to raise: “Healthy, wealthy and wise taxpayers who leave home.” I laugh every time he says it. But there’s a problem with that philosophy. If you want your children to become independent adults who leave home, eventually you have to let them experience what being an independent adult actually feels like.
And sometimes… it doesn’t feel very good.
My Instinct Is Still to Rescue Them
Our daughter Caitlyn is grown and married to Mason. They have their own apartment. Well, technically, we have a little skin in that game because we co-signed on their apartment. Every once in a while, they struggle to make the rent. And let me tell you something: It is everything in me not to bail them out. I know they’re struggling.
I know how easy it would be for Mom and Dad to step in and make the immediate problem disappear. And I’m their mom. Moms fix things. Except… Caitlyn isn’t a little girl anymore. She and Mason are building a marriage and a life together. That means they’re also learning how to deal with bills, budgets, unexpected expenses, bad months, good months, and the reality that the rent is still due whether you’ve had a great month financially or not.
If we immediately step in every time things get uncomfortable, what exactly are we teaching them?
Sometimes Struggling Is the Lesson
This is where parenting gets really uncomfortable. When your child is hurting, helping feels like love. But sometimes not helping is love too. I’m not talking about abandoning your children when they’re genuinely in trouble. I’m talking about allowing them to experience safe, survivable consequences. Sometimes the struggle is the teacher. Maybe your teenager forgot an assignment. Let them explain it to the teacher. Maybe they spent all their money. They can’t buy the thing they want. Maybe they forgot their lunch. They might be hungry for an afternoon.
Maybe your adult children are having a difficult month financially. They may need to cut back, rearrange some bills, pick up extra work, make uncomfortable choices, or figure it out together. Those experiences aren’t necessarily parenting failures. They might actually be parenting opportunities.
Ask One Question Before You Rescue
I’ve started thinking there is one question we should ask ourselves before swooping in: Can my child safely handle this problem themselves? If the answer is no, then absolutely step in. There are situations involving health, safety, bullying, serious emotional problems, abuse, or other circumstances where our children need us. But if the answer is yes?
Maybe we need to sit on our hands for a little while. That’s difficult when you already know the answer. It’s even harder when you have the money, time, connections, or ability to solve the problem in five minutes. But the five-minute solution might rob your child of a lesson that lasts a lifetime.
Let Them Make Cheap Mistakes
I’d rather have my child make a $20 mistake at 15 than a $20,000 mistake at 25. That’s what childhood and adolescence should partly be about. Learning while the stakes are still relatively low. Forget something. Lose something. Waste some money. Make a bad decision. Deal with an uncomfortable conversation. Experience a consequence. Figure it out.
Then hopefully when they’re adults and the consequences get much bigger, they’ve developed the muscles to handle them. But here’s the part I’m learning: Those lessons don’t stop at 18. Our adult children are still learning too.
Adult Children Make This Even Harder
When they’re little, you have authority. When they’re adults, you have influence. That’s a very different relationship. I can give Caitlyn and Mason advice. I can encourage them. I can listen. I can pray for them.
But their marriage belongs to them. Their finances belong to them. Their decisions belong to them. And yes… their rent belongs to them. Even when Mom knows exactly how she could fix it. Ouch.
Rescue Can Become a Habit
Here’s what worries me about constantly rescuing our children. If every difficult situation ends with Mom or Dad making the problem disappear, we may accidentally teach: “When things go wrong, someone else will fix them.” That’s exactly the opposite of what we’re trying to accomplish. We want our kids thinking: “This is a problem. What am I going to do about it?”
That’s responsibility. That’s independence. That’s adulthood. And apparently that’s how we eventually get those healthy, wealthy and wise taxpayers Technology Man keeps talking about.
Sometimes Love Looks Like Doing Nothing
I used to think being a good mom meant being there whenever my children needed me. I still believe that. But I’ve had to change my definition of “being there.” Being there doesn’t always mean fixing it. Sometimes it means listening. Sometimes it means giving advice. Sometimes it means saying, “I know this is hard.” Sometimes it means praying.
And sometimes it means watching someone you love struggle with something you could easily solve… and choosing not to solve it. That’s hard. Really hard. But maybe that’s part of raising adults.
And About That “Leave Home” Part…
Technology Man says we’re supposed to produce: Healthy, wealthy and wise taxpayers who leave home. I’m beginning to realize there’s a catch. If we want them to leave home, we have to stop doing everything for them while they’re living in it. And apparently… we have to keep resisting the urge to do everything for them after they’ve left, too. 😂
So, Rock Stars, the next time your child has a problem, maybe don’t immediately ask: “How can I fix this?” Try asking: “Can they fix this themselves?” Because one day Mom and Dad won’t be standing behind them with the answers. And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the confidence to know: I can figure this out. ❤️