Rock Stars, can I tell you something I’ve learned after 25 years of parenting?  None of us have this completely figured out.  Not the Mom with the perfectly behaved children at church.  Not the Mom whose house somehow looks like nobody actually lives there.  Not the Mom posting pictures of homemade lunches shaped like Disney characters while I’m wondering whether Pop-Tarts technically count as breakfast.  And certainly not me. 😂

I think I used to believe that somewhere along the parenting journey I would finally reach the point where I knew what I was doing.  Baby years? Survived.  Elementary school? Check.  Teenagers? Well…  Surely after teenagers I would graduate as an expert.  Nope.

Now two of our kids are adults, our youngest is a senior in high school, and I’m beginning to suspect there is no graduation ceremony for parenting.  There are just new classes.  And apparently some of them don’t come with a syllabus.

“I’m Fine”

There’s a song by Matthew West called “Truth Be Told” that I’ve been thinking about lately.  The song starts with an idea I think Moms understand very well:  We’re supposed to have it all together.  And if we don’t?  Well…  Smile.  Keep moving.  And when somebody asks how you’re doing, give them the universal Mom answer:  “I’m fine.”  You can listen to the song here:

The song isn’t really about parenting, but goodness, does it work for parenting.  Because Moms can become very good at pretending.

We See Everyone Else’s Highlight Reel

I think this has gotten even harder for today’s parents.  Social media gives us a front-row seat to everybody else’s best moments.  We see the family vacation.  The smiling kids.  The straight-A report card.  The beautiful birthday party.  The perfectly decorated house.  The teenager getting accepted into college.  What we usually don’t see is what happened 20 minutes before the picture.  Someone was crying.  Someone couldn’t find their shoes.  Mom and Dad were arguing.  The teenager had an attitude.  The little one had a meltdown.  Mom was ready to cancel the entire vacation and drive everybody home.  

Then somebody yelled:  “SMILE!”  Click.  And onto Facebook it goes.  BEST FAMILY VACATION EVER! ❤️ 😂  We compare our entire messy lives to everyone else’s carefully selected moments.  That’s not a fair comparison.

There Were Days I Thought I Was Blowing It

I’ve been a Mom for a long time.  And there have absolutely been days when I went to bed wondering:  Did I handle that right?  Sometimes the answer was probably yes.  Sometimes the answer was definitely no.  I’ve lost my patience.  I’ve worried too much.  I’ve probably helped when I should have let them struggle.  I’ve probably let them struggle when I should have helped.  I’ve said things I wish I’d said differently.  I’ve made decisions I questioned afterward.

And I’m sure my children could provide a much more comprehensive list if anyone would like to interview them.  Please don’t. 😂  But here’s something 25 years gives you that you don’t have when you’re right in the middle of it:  perspective.

A Hard Day Isn’t Your Family’s Story

Think about the worst parenting day you had last year.  Can you remember it?  Maybe.  Now think about the worst parenting day you had five years ago.  Getting harder, isn’t it?  There were days I was convinced something was a complete disaster.  Today?  I can’t even remember what most of those disasters were.  And neither can the kids.

That’s when you realize:  A hard day isn’t the story of your family.  It’s one page.  Tomorrow you get another one.

Sometimes You Really Did Blow It

Now, I’m not suggesting we give ourselves a free pass for everything.  Sometimes Mom wasn’t just having a bad day.  Sometimes Mom was wrong.  That’s another lesson I’ve learned.  Say you’re sorry.  There seems to be this strange idea that parents lose authority if they apologize to their children.  I think the opposite can be true.

What better way to teach your child how to apologize than letting them watch you do it?  “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”  “I wasn’t listening.”  “I was frustrated, but I shouldn’t have said that.”  “I made the wrong decision.”  “Will you forgive me?”  That’s not weak parenting.  That’s modeling what we want our children to eventually become.  Adults who can admit when they’re wrong.

Grace Is for Moms Too

This is the part of Truth Be Told that speaks to me.  We spend so much energy trying to hide the mess.  From friends.  From church.  From other parents.  Sometimes even from ourselves.  But we aren’t hiding anything from God.  He already knows.

He knows where I struggle.  He knows the things I wish I’d done differently.  He knows my worries about my children.  He knows the prayers I’ve prayed over them.  He knows the times I’ve gotten it right and the times I’ve completely missed the mark.  And He loves me anyway.  That’s grace.  As Christians, we talk a lot about extending grace to other people.  Sometimes moms forget that grace applies to us too.

Your Children Don’t Need a Perfect Mom

Twenty-five years ago, I probably would have told you that good parenting was about getting most things right.  Today I’m not so sure.  Maybe good parenting has more to do with continuing to show up.  Love them.  Teach them.  Correct them.  Encourage them.  Pray for them.  Laugh with them.  Admit when you’re wrong.  Ask forgiveness.  Forgive them.

And get up tomorrow and do it again.  Because our children aren’t being raised by perfect people.  They’re being raised by us.  And maybe that’s okay.

The Final Report Card Isn’t In Yet

I’ve used this phrase a few times since returning to Super Parent Mom:  The final report card isn’t in yet.  I like it because it’s true.  Caitlyn is grown and married.  Zachary is working and studying toward his future.  Our youngest is finishing high school and beginning to figure out his.  They’re doing their thing.

Technology Man and I are still doing ours.  And none of us is finished becoming who we’re going to be.  I can’t look back at 25 years and tell you that I discovered the secret formula for raising children.  If anything, I know less with certainty than I thought I did when I started.  But I know this:  God has been faithful through a whole lot of imperfect parenting.

So, Rock Star… How Are You Really Doing?

Maybe that’s the question for today.  Not the church-lobby answer.  Not the Facebook answer.  Not the answer you give the other moms at school.  How are you really doing?  Maybe you’re tired.  Maybe you’re worried about one of your kids.  Maybe your marriage is going through a rough patch.  Maybe your teenager isn’t making the choices you’d hoped.  Maybe you lost your temper this morning.  Maybe everybody else seems to have parenting figured out and you’re wondering why you don’t.

Maybe today…  you’re not fine.  That’s okay.  Tell the truth.  Talk to someone.  Apologize if you need to.  Pray about it.  Hug your kids.  And give yourself enough grace to try again tomorrow.  Because after 25 years, I’ve become convinced of something:  Your children don’t need a perfect Mom.  They need a Mom who loves them enough to keep showing up.  Even on the messy days.  

Especially on the messy days.  So turn up Matthew West, Rock Star.  And if someone asks how you’re doing today?  Maybe instead of automatically saying, “I’m fine”…  tell the truth. ❤️